


Like A Carnation in the Rain

by RachelAbigail (BesideTheDyingFangirl)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Amanda doesn't have Jessie yet, Angst, Cheating, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, I dont think Sonny would ever step out, Marriage, Miscarriage, Multi, but for the sake of this fic, he is OOC
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2018-10-12 01:30:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10479018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BesideTheDyingFangirl/pseuds/RachelAbigail
Summary: Misfortune just seemed to plague her. Hope was fading away, like the smell of a beautiful carnation drowning in the spring showers.





	1. Chapter 1

The pitter patter of rain drops drew heavy on the window. Eleanor figured she should start dinner soon, but she was too entranced with the weather to do so. Mindlessly, she ran her fingers over the blanket that rested gently over her lap, the soft fabric bringing comfort to her instantly. She was not looking forward to another uncomfortably quiet dinner with her husband. There was tension there, she knew, but she wished he would address it instead of pretending that everything was okay.

Everything was _not_ okay, though. She knew this, she knew Sonny knew this, and this burden was beginning to get to her. It was bad enough that it happened more than once but Sonny couldn't blame her...could he?

Sighing, Eleanor folded the throw blanket and draped it over their sofa. She bit her cheek and went into the kitchen to wash up before prepping their meal.

Each slice the knife made to the onion was precise, careful even. She was determined to make this a good night with her husband - they'd share a meal, enjoy each other's company - it seemed like it had been ages since they could do that without it feeling forced. She loved Sonny dearly, there was no question, but her worst fear was that her love was not reciprocated...at least, not anymore. There were times where Sonny would come home late at night and crawl into his side of the bed, far away from Eleanor. There were times where he would force himself to ignore her quiet tears. Eleanor was too afraid to ask if he blamed her.

"Today," she said to herself as she stirred the pasta, "I'll ask him today."

The click of their deadbolt drew her out of her thoughts as the door to the apartment opened and in walked Sonny.

"Hey babe," he greeted with the absence of a smile. It wasn't a cold 'hello', but it wasn't warm. Eleanor picked up on this - _she always did_.

"Hi honey, how was your day?" She gave one last stir and set the wooden spoon down to give her attention to her husband. He grimaced and shimmied off his coat.

"Don't ask, it was horrible."

Her smile faded and concern spread across her face.

"Why, what happened? Is everyone okay?" Dread filled her as she thought of Sergeant Mike Dodds, then the rest of the squad. The squad was like their second family, she couldn't handle _another_ death, and she was sure Sonny couldn't either.

Sonny looked up at her with his brows furrowed. "I _just_ said I didn't want to talk about it."

 _Oh,_ she thought _, It was going to be one of those nights_.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted-"

"That's the point, I said I didn't want to talk about it but _you_ wanted to push the subject."

Eleanor swallowed thickly and said calmly, "Okay, but you don't have to bite my head off." He shook his head with an unamused huff and sauntered into the kitchen area, taking a slice of cut cucumber and nibbling on it while he continued.

"What, do you want to hear about my fascinating day to which some tweaked out pedophile held a gun to my head? And for what, a rape victim who turned out to be _lying_?"

"What?! Oh my god...why didn't you call me, or-"

"Why do you care, Ellie?" He knew he didn't mean that, so did she, but still, it angered her.

"What do you mean 'why do I care'? You're my husband for Christ's sake, of course I care!"

"Since when do you care about anything that pertains to me?!" He shouted, his accent thick and nostrils flared.

She got the feeling that he wasn't only talking about his day. Eleanor flinched at his raised voice and tried to will herself not to cry. She turned away from him and folded her arms across her chest, just staring at the pasta sauce that was starting to boil on the stove top. He sighed heavily and she knew he had regretted his outburst. His face softened as he saw her try to discretely wipe a tear away. Sonny knew she was trying. She was trying to get things back to the way they were, she was trying to lift his spirits and be a good wife. He wasn't angry at her, at least, he didn't think he was. She didn't do anything wrong, and yet here he was taking his pent up anger out on her. He needed time to cool off.

Time.

He had been asking for an awful lot of time.

He needed more.

"El- doll, I'm...sorry, okay? I just...I'm gonna grab a drink down at O'Flannery's." No response. "I have my phone on me. Love you," he said quietly, turning and grabbing his coat again.

"Love you too," Eleanor said, her back still turned to him. She bit her lip as the front door closed and she let a tear fall freely down her cheek.

Her pasta sauce was burnt on the bottom, but she didn't care. She reminisced about the good times, the great times. Before, Sonny would come home and greet her with a loving kiss and a warm welcome, regardless of the status of his work day. They'd talk at mealtime, joke with each other, make love, watch movies, cuddle in bed, and go to sleep completely in love. He'd always wake her up before he left for work with a kiss and some tea, even though his shift begins at 6:30 and she doesn't technically have to wake up until 9. But neither of them could start their day without expressing their love for each other in some way. Now, she's lucky if they can be in the same room without some sort of argument erupting. They don't cuddle, not anymore. They haven't been intimate in weeks. Eleanor longed for him in more ways than one but didn't dare initiate anything out of fear of rejection. Things went sour between them.

The smell of garlic and burnt red sauce filled her nose. She placed a hand absentmindedly over her belly, wishing that it was full from the dinner she made for them. Wishing that it was swollen, swollen from carrying their child, the way it was _supposed_ to be. Wishing that, for once, things were right in her life.

 


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh come on! The Giants need a new defense, there's no denying, Carisi!"

Sonny chuckled, "maybe so but you can't tell me that Oliver Vernon hasn't helped the team, Rollins. Fin, back me up man."

Fin raised his hands in mock surrender as he headed to the exit of the squad room, "hey, this ain't my beef."

Amanda rolled her eyes and turned to Sonny. "Typical Fin, always neutral. At least he helped us take some weight off of this backlog, huh?" Sonny hummed in agreement.

"Maybe Lieu will actually let us go home early today," she said hopefully and Sonny's smile faltered. Amanda looked at him, trying to read his sudden change in demeanor. She decides to tread lightly.

"How is it? You know...how are you and El?"

He avoided her eyes and shuffled some loose papers on his desk. She persisted.

"Carisi, I know its hard but things will get better. Things will get easier, every couple-"

"You don't know that," he said quietly and she bit her lip. Maybe some time away from Eleanor would do him some good. Maybe it would do Eleanor some good, too. After all, she did care deeply for the both of them. 

"Hey, you wanna come to my place and watch some reality trash TV? That always cheers you up."

Sonny cracked a small smile, but declined politely.

"Nah, no thanks. I should be heading home. Thanks for the offer, though," he said as he picked up his blazer from the back of the chair.

"Yeah, of course."

They said their goodbyes and Amanda watched Carisi walk away and disappear down the hall. She ignored the feeling of disappointment and decided it was time for her to head home too.

 

\---

 

Carisi arrived home a few hours before his usual time and Eleanor made a point not to ask him about his day to avoid unnecessary conflict. She didn't get a chance the other day to ask her question, but she'd be damned if they didn't do some talking today.

"Hey," she said forcing a smile. She was shocked when Sonny walked up and kissed her on the cheek and greeted her with a hello. 

"Hey," he replied and set his coat on the table top.

"You hungry?" She asked carefully and he shook his head no, still looking at her.

There was an awkward silence that hung in the air. Eleanor didn't want to say something to trigger him into another fit, but she wanted to talk to her husband. She wanted to sit down and get to the bottom of where in their relationship things went wrong and how they were going to fix it. 

It wasn't a matter of if they could fix it, because divorce wasn't an option. She loved Sonny and was willing to do anything to get things back to the way they were.

"So...um...so, I was wondering if- if we could talk." 

Sonny walked into the living room and she followed, sitting across from him. Her knee bounced nervously.

"Sure, about what?"

"Well...um. I wanted to talk about how things have been after...you know..." Sonny looked away and started fiddling with his shirt. 

"It was hard - for the both of us - especially after it happened for the second time," she hesitated, then continued, "Sonny, do you blame me?" As soon as her words filled the air, the atmosphere changed. Her breath slowed awaiting his response and he turned his gaze to her.

"What?"

"Do you blame me for losing the babies?"

He shook his head in disbelief. "I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer, Eleanor."

"Please just answer the question."

"Stop."

"Dom, ever since last February you've been so cold to me."

He stood up, shaking his head. "I'm not having this conversation."

"But we need to! I need to know if you blame me for the miscarriages. I need to know why you're acting the way you're acting so that I can help you!"

Sonny breathed heavily and tried to keep his temper in check. "Eleanor, I don't want to talk about this, for the last goddamn time."

"Dominick, I'm just trying to-"

"Do you ever stop and think that maybe we just shouldn't be together anymore?"

Her breath hitched in her throat and her chest got tight. He was standing mere inches away from her, and yet she could feel the ice radiating off of him. Her eyes fogged.

"W-what do you mean?" She asked meekly, and he turned away from her, scratching at his neck.

"What do you mean? We love each other. I love you and y- you love me." She tried, hope and fear evident in her voice. 

A sick feeling in the pit of her stomach surfaced and she felt light headed. Was he really saying what she thought he was saying? 

No. He couldnt be.

Please, he couldn't be. Please.

She walked up to him and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. He slowly met her gaze. As soon as he saw the tears, he felt guilt. He felt a lot of things, but he didn't feel like arguing anymore.

"C'mon, Sonny...we love each other," Eleanor asked, almost pleading for confirmation, "don't we?" He looked down, tears in his eyes as well, then looked back at her.

"I don't know anymore."

Without another word, he left. She just stood there, rooted in spot, taking in his words. It felt like a blade had sliced through her delicate skin. But what could she do?

Her husband in so many words just said he didn't love her, or at least that he didn't know if he loved her. She was certain he was going to leave her, ask for a divorce, and she would lose the one good thing in her life. What could she do?

The only thing she could do: cry.

 

\---

 

As soon as Sonny left the apartment, his heart was racing. He never dreamed he would be in this situation. His words hurt her, he knew, but what about how he felt? 

With shaky hands, he took out his phone as he got into his car. He needed to talk to someone. Who better to talk to than his partner and closest friend?

Sonny: hey Rollins, change of plans, can I come over?

Within a minute, she resoonded.

Amanda: sure, is everything OK?

Sonny: will explain when I get there.

 

The drive to Amanda's was quick. He parked his car and trudged up the stairs to her apartment and knocked twice. The door swung open and Amanda stood with a look of concern. She saw the redness in his eyes.

"Come on in," she said, stepping aside.

Sonny placed his phone in his coat and hung it up on the rack while Amanda reddied their beers. He took his with a grateful nod and she waited patiently for him to open up.

"What happened?"

He shook his head and took a long swig of the alcohol. "To be honest, I don't really know. Eleanor brought up the miscarriages and..."

He downed the rest of his beer and stood up, heading to the fridge for another. "She thinks I blame her."

"Do you?"

"...I don't know. I know it wasn't her fault but at the same time..."

"Look, Carisi, I get it. Youre angry. What you both went through was traumatic. But, isolating yourself isn't going to make it easier, not for you and especially not for her." 

His voice wavered slightly, "but after the first time she wanted to keep trying. I didn't have to heart to tell her no, to tell her I was afraid that it would happen again. I mean, she almost died and here she was wanting to try again."

Amanda's eyes got watery as she listened on.

"The last time, when I came home that day, when I...when I found her on the bathroom floor...with all that blood...I was angry. I was scared as hell that she was gone, I was angry that God took another child from us, and I was angry that she put us in that situation again.

"But I guess...I guess I was more angry at myself. She knew how important it was to me to be a dad. I told her I wanted a big family, a huge family. You know, lots of kids in a big house with a white picket fence."

He looked up at Amanda, the both of them fighting back tears. "And she never had a real family so she wanted the same thing. She didnt want to let me down."

"Sonny I'm so sorry," Amanda said wiping her eyes and grabbing her friend's hand.

He forced a pitiful smile and downed his beer in one big swig and shook his head. 

"Can we change the subject. Please?" 

She knew he shouldnt repress his feelings any longer than he already has, but she nodded and watched him grab the television remote.

"Oh look, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is on."

 

\---

 

"I literally hate Lisa Rinna. I hate her personality and I hate those ridiculous lips," Amanda laughed, sipping on what had to have been her fourth Budweiser's.

"She is such a shit stirrer," Sonny commented. "She totally made up that whole story about Dorit doing lines of cocaine in her bathroom just because she herself was on camera bragging about Xanax smoothies. What a tool."

The familiar theme song of the Real Housewives chimed loudly throughout Amanda's living room, and during a commercial, Sonny found himself looking at her. 

Amanda tried to ignore it, but his baby blues were burning into her skin.

"What are you staring at? Do I have Cheeto dust on my face?"

Sonny smiled. "No, I just...thank you. For this. For being such a good friend to me."

"Stop."

"No I'm serious, don't know what I would've done if you found someone else to watch reality TV with tonight," he joked and she chuckled.

"Thank you," he said again and she smiled a genuine smile. 

Maybe it was the beer, maybe it was the lack of intimate contact he had had, maybe it was both, but he found himself looking at her pretty pink lips. Her eyes traveled to his lips too, and when they finally met, it was foreign. His lips felt different than what she thought they would feel like. He was an expert despite his puppy-ish tendencies.

She had nursed a slight crush on him in the beginning, but as soon as Sonny and Eleanor became serious, she put an end to the friendly flirting almost immediately. She wasn't a homewrecker. She respected their relationship. She adored Eleanor. But in this moment, she was unsure of everything.

They broke apart and Sonny placed a hand on the side of her face, looking into her irises with such desire. She was blinking rapidly, trying to process what had just happened. 

It was wrong.

She told herself this.

But wordlessly, his lips found her again and this time, their tongues danced in a frenzy, desperate to explore.

 

It was wrong, but it felt right.

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Eleanor tried to stay awake for him but the humming of the streets of Manhattan began to lull her. It was almost 5 in the morning and Sonny was no where to be seen.

At first, after a couple of hours and as the early morning approached, she called his cell repeatedly in hopes of verifying that he was okay. She needed to know that he was alright at the very least, but he didn't pick up. His revelation was still fresh on her mind and she was scared. This is the man she decided to spend her life with, to raise children with, to grow old with. The uncertainty of those things now ate away at her. She figured he didn't want to speak to her, so she backed off a little. The clock ticked away.

_11:34pm._

_1:19am._

_2:31am._

_4:57am._

With worry and sadness still prominent in her gut, Eleanor closed her eyes and fell asleep on the couch.

 

\-----

 

The birds chirping and the unfamiliar springs of the mattress brought Sonny back from his deep slumber. He stirred awake, peering one eye open towards the window.

Except, the window wasn't where it usually was.

At home, the window was on Eleanor's side of the bed near the door.

But he wasn't at home.

He opened both eyes and peered around the room, taking in the baby yellow walls and the smell of sweet pea candles. Then his eyes landed on the warm body next to him. It was the naked form of his partner, her back cuddled up against his stomach, blonde hair askew.

He looked down at himself, also completely naked, and swallowed thickly. The events of last night came flooding back into his memory.

_Talking sports at work with Fin and Amanda after easing some of the backlog._

_Going home..saying some awful things to his wife._

_Leaving...going to Amanda's._

_Kissing Amanda...taking Amanda's clothes off...fucking Amanda..._

"Oh god," he whispered in disbelief, running his hand through his hair. Amanda mumbled something in her sleep but didn't wake.

"Oh god," he said again a bit louder and he shook Amanda's shoulder a bit.

"'Manda, wake up."

"Hnmm," she grumbled.

"Amanda," he said, untangling himself from her and beginning to search for his clothes, "I gotta go. I gotta get home." 

She tiredly sat up covering herself with the duvet and yawned. "What time is it?"

He looked at his watch while pulling up his jeans, "its almost 7 am." Thank god they both had the day off, otherwise infidelity wouldn't be the only thing they would have to deal with. 

Last night began to register in her head and an awkwardness filled the air.

Theyre close friends, partners, how are they gonna get past this? 

"OK. We'll, um, talk about this...later," she said, biting her cheek as he grabbed his coat and looked at his phone frowning.

"Yeah, later," he replied, not looking up from his phone.

Eleanor left a bunch of calls and texts asking if he was alright and that she loved him.

After what he said to her last night, after how horribly he's been treating her, she still loves and cares about him. Guilt.

He was guilty.

He cheated on his wife, something he prided himself on never doing, not like his friends in Homicide, not like other guys who don't take their vows seriously.

He took his vows seriously.

At least, he thought he did.

As he climbs into his car, typing furiously away on his phone to let Eleanor know he's OK and that he's on his way home, he thinks back to the first time he laid eyes on her.

She was in a bookstore browsing through cookbooks when she wasn't looking where she was stepping and bumped right into him. He was looking for a book for his Ma's birthday - she loved craft books.

They talked, they exchanged numbers, and the rest is history. He was so in love with her. He had never met a more incredibly kind, caring, smart, and beautiful woman before in his entire life, and he even thanked God at mass for bringing Eleanor to him. 

Sonny realized, as he looked in the rear view mirror to the car behind him, and then himself, that he's changed. 

He wasn't the same happy guy he was 5 years ago. He wasn't the same over eager cop who was struggling to finish night school. He had lost patience and understanding and thats on him. But Eleanor...Eleanor hadn't changed. She still loved him. She was still the same amazing person she was when they first met.

He blinked back tears: he did still love her. So incredibly much. 

What has he done.

He parked the car in the parkinglot of their apartment building and broke down. 

 

\-----

 

She looked so peaceful. No one would've guessed that she had been crying all night. Sonny looked down at his wife sleeping on the sofa, her right arm draped over the edge. He watched her chest rise and fall and damn, the anger he was feeling for himself grew.

 

He quietly walked up to her and knealt down in front of her. He placed a hand on her cheek, stroking it softly.

"Ellie? Baby, I'm home." 

She hummed quietly and her eyes fluttered.

"Ellie?"

She pulled the blanket closer and Sonny watched her for a bit longer.

He smiled slightly when a snore escaped from her mouth. He set his keys down and gently put his hands underneath her, lifting her into his arms with ease. She stirred awake.

"Sonny? What are you-"

"I'm takin' you to bed, doll."

He laid her down in their bed and she looked up at him in confusion.

Sonny climbed into bed next to her.

"I'm so sorry for walkin' out. I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it. I love you." 

The truth is, she was still upset and hurt by his words and actions. But right now, she was too tired - mentally and physically- to get into this. She just wanted to be held, to be loved, so she wrapped her arms around him and put her head under his chin, to which he accepted gratefully. He held her tight as they settled in.

Eleanor felt relaxed and loved for once in a long time. She drifted back into slumber as Sonny stared at the ceiling in quiet conflict, listening to her soft snores, wondering if he if he should tell her something that would certainly break her. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually have time to update this now! ~yay~  
> As per usual I don't have a beta reader but I wanted to get this posted while it was fresh in my mind! I appreciate the comments and kudos, you guys really are awesome.

\--Flashback--

"I want you guys to grab him as soon as you see him file sharing," the Lieutenant says into the walkie talkie with no room for discussion. "On it, Lieu," Amanda replied into the device as Sonny shifted to make his seat more comfortable in the squad car. He tips the police computer screen back and begins typing as Amanda sips on her coffee. Silence ensues - as it usually does during stakeouts - but this time, it was an uncomfortable silence. Sonny clears his throat.

"So...," he begins.

She cocks an eyebrow his way then turns back to her coffee, "so, how 'bout them Yankees."

"'Manda," he says seriously and she sighs.  
"We need to talk about...you know."  
"Now is not the time, Carisi."

"Maybe not, but is any time 'the time'? Quite a bit of _time_ has passed."

Amanda couldn't argue with that. She looked at the computer screen to see the pedophile's profile was still inactive. She bites her lip. "I know what this is. Was, I mean. Its not a relationship, I'm not lookin' for a relationship, but this wasn't just my fault, you know."  
He nods, "I know. It was a one-time thing, respectfully. You're a great friend,'Manda, and I'd hate for this to..." He stopped mid sentence and looked down at his hands, frowning.

"I understand if you hate me. It wasn't fair to constantly put you in between me and El's arguments, and it wasn't fair to make you choose between us since you're apart of both our lives."

Amanda was stoic in the face, but she was sweating and her mouth grew dry.

"I wanna work things out with El," he said finally, and she forced a smile.

She was happy for him. Happy for her. Happy for them. She just couldn't help but grimace at how happy he looked as he continued.

"The night after, I realized how much I truly love her. I don't want you to think that being with you was something awful or anything," he added quickly, trying to reassure her he meant no disrespect, "but I thought about my life. I thought about what my life would be like without my Eleanor and... I couldn't imagine it. She's my wife, she is supposed to trust me to love her, to protect her, to respect her, and I've been doin' a shitty job lately. But I got back to our place and she was fast asleep, and I just watched her. And in that moment, I thanked God for her. And for an amazing friend like you, Rollins."

Amanda was dumbfounded, she had no idea how to respond- or better yet, how to tell him.

"Carisi, I need-"

"I just hope we can move past this, ya know? And... i'd understand if you wanna request a new partner with the Lieu-"

"Carisi-"

"- I just hope we can still be friends, your friendship means a lot to-"

"Carisi! I have to tell you something!"

Carisi stops talking and furrows his brows. Amanda licks her lips and is about to speak when the computer starts beeping. The pedophile they were staking out had begun to download child pornography.

"It'll have to wait, we gotta get this bastard," Sonny says, hastening out of the car. Amanda sighs, looks up at the ceiling of the car, and wonders why her life can never be simple.

\--End of Flashback--

 

\--Eleanor's POV--

 

Eleanor had been texting Amanda all day. They had planned a shopping trip a month in advance, and today was finally the long-anticipated day. It was supposed to be her day off, but it seems their girls day might've been derailed by SVU.

_Text me when U get this. Macy's is having an amazing sale, don't wanna miss ;D_

She hummed waiting for a reply and decided to get dressed anyway. She was in an abnormally good mood and decided to play into it.

The familiar warmth tickling her skin in the shower was refreshing. It felt like warm cotton caressing her skin, and it was then that she appreciated the ridiculously expensive luxury showerhead that Sonny insisted they buy.

Sonny.

She had the mind to thank him later.

Things were looking up for them; they were talking more, being more open. They'd wake up in each others arms. On Sonny's days off, they'd spend the entire day in bed together, certainly making up for lost time. Sonny even started making his stupid jokes again - something she didn't realize she missed until a mere 'hello' and 'goodnight' was basically their dialogue each day. Eleanor couldn't remember the last time things felt so...right.

She toweled off, smiling to herself, and began to get ready.

Still no text from Amanda.

Maybe she should ask Sonny if she's at work with him? Worth a try.

Eleanor finished up applying her mascara and grabbed her phone from the counter.

_hey sweetie, hows ur day? is Amanda there? we were supposed to go shopping today_

An hour went by with no replies from neither Sonny nor Amanda. Eleanor decided to stop by Amanda's place and see if she's there.

 

She knocked two times and was surprised by who greeted her on the other side.

"Kim! Oh my goodness, how nice to see you!" Eleanor pulled her into a tight embrace and smiled. Kim looked shocked.

"El, h-hey hun, how are you? You lookin' for Amanda?"

"Yeah, we were supposed to hit up the mall for some much needed retail therapy. I haven't went shopping in ages."

Kim laughed nervously, and Eleanor tried to ignore the sudden awkwardness in the air. She stepped aside, "oh, where are my manners, why don't you come in." Eleanor stepped inside and Kim followed, biting nervously at her cheek.

"'Manda's at work but...she should be off pretty soon...if you wanna wait," Kim said quietly in her southern drawl. She began to twiddle her thumbs and Eleanor picked up on this.

"Kim, you okay?"

"What? Oh yeah! I'm fine, its just..."

Eleanor scooted closer to Kim, urging her to continue.

"What?"

"You seem to be taking it well."

She furrowed her brows in confusion, "taking what well?"

Kim's face dropped and she swallowed, "you...you don't know?"

Panic started to rise in Eleanor's chest. Was her friend okay? Was she sick? Is she hurt?

"What, what Kim, tell me what?" She asked quickly.

Kim stood up and paced around the floor, her hands on her hips. This only made Eleanor more stressed. "What, Kim!"

She hesitated, then sat back down next to El.

"I shouldn't have been the one to have to tell you this but... 'Manda and Sonny...they slept together."

 

Her eyes narrowed, at first in disbelief, then in anger. "No."

Kim spared her a pitying glance as she rose to her feet. "You're lying."

"I'm not lying."

"Yes you are, Dominick would never-"

"Eleanor-"

"And Amanda is one of my closest friends, how could you say that about your own sister?!"

"It happened almost a month ago."

"Bullshit," Eleanor said angrily as she grabbed her purse and headed for the door. Kim grabbed her arm, "the night you finally confronted Sonny about the miscarriages."

Eleanor's feet became rooted where she stood as Kim went on: "Sonny told Amanda and Amanda told me. You asked him if he blamed you ... horrible things were said and he left. He left, and he came here, and they had sex."

Her eyes well up. She doesn't want to believe it. She can't, not after everything. "W-why are you telling me this?"

"What my sister did was wrong. What your husband did was wrong and they should've told you. I couldn't just sit here and pretend everything was all honkey dory while you waited for my sister to come home so you two could hang out."

She finally met Kim's eyes, lip quivering.

"My sister feels real bad about it. She never expected this to happen, any of this to happen-"

"I think I'm going to be sick," Eleanor mumbled, covering her mouth and running to the bathroom.

As she heaved over the toilet, she cried, wondering how such a good day could turn so sour. She couldn't catch a break. The vomit burned her throat and she took solace in the fact that she actually feels the burn. Its a comforting pain, reminding her that she is human and that she isn't completely numb to the feeling. Now more than ever, she wished she was outside her body, she wished she was someone else.

She flushed and watched the thick yellow liquid swirl clear and down the drain. She can't get the images of them together out of her head.

Her Dominick entangled with Amanda, making love to her, holding her, kissing her. Kissing her like he should be kissing his wife, the woman he vowed to love for the rest of his life. She looks at her reflection in the vanity mirror. Makeup ruined, hair a mess, pale face. What's the point of trying anymore, she wondered. Not knowing what's becoming of her marriage, her life, her broken heart, she grabbed a piece of toilet paper and dabbed away at the smeared eyeliner under her eyes as a last shred of protecting her dignity. She looks down at the collar of her shirt and sees it stained with tears and wipes aimlessly at it as if she actually cares, tossing it in the garbage bin when she's done.

But a familiar baby pink box in the bin caught her eye, the very kind she's seen in her bathroom that promised a future, a life.

Closing her eyes briefly, praying it isn't what she thinks it is, she walks over and fishes it out. The stick is inside, rolled snugly with its discarded plastic wrapping paper.

She is surprised to find herself laughing. There is nothing funny about this. Not in the slightest, but here she is, chuckling and crying all over again. "Son of a bitch," she laughs. She throws the bathroom door open to reveal Kim sitting nervously on the couch.

 

She holds up the box; "please say this isn't Amanda's."


	5. Chapter 5

\-- Four Days Ago --

The words spun around in his head over and over again.

_Carisi, I'm pregnant._

It was foreign on his ears to hear those words from his partner, his friend, and not his wife. 

Amanda bit her lip as she waited for a response. She stared intently into his watery eyes.

"S-Sonny, say something." He finally met her gaze.

"I, uh ... Um," he stammered, licking his lips and leaning against the squadroom bunkbed with a sudden feeling of nausea.

Amanda blinked back tears. As if things couldn't get any worse. Sonny and Eleanor were starting to rebuild their relationship, they were making progress. Amanda can't even begin to describe the guilt and regret she feels in this moment. 

"I, um, I did the math and ... its yours." He made a noise somewhere between a gasp and a sigh and rubbed his temples. He quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Are you gonna keep it?" He asked, not looking her in the eye, feeling as though his world was crumbling. As a devout catholic, he didn't believe in abortion, but, as per the perks of this hard job, he also didn't believe in making a woman bear a child she didn't want or couldn't take care of. He was between a rock and a hard place. He had always wanted children.

With his wife. Not his partner at the Special Victims Unit.

He didn't know what he wanted, so he asked her.

"Sonny..." She couldn't finish the sentence. She didnt know. All she knew was that she was absolutely terrified. 

He nodded, understanding. He picked at his sleeves and swallowed.

"How do we deal with this, how am I supposed to tell Eleanor that I knocked up my partner," he asked, frustration rising in his voice. Amanda saw the redness on his neck and the tips of his ears as he stood up and started pacing.

"Fuckin' hell, I can't believe this. What do we tell Liv, what do we tell our friends? What do we tell El?!"

"Sonny we have time to figure this out, just calm down-"

" 'Manda, don't tell me to calm down, this is not somethin' to be calm about."

Her mouth closed and he continued; "I really fucked this up, I fucked everything up."

Amanda slowly walked up to him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off. 

"No, don't. I- I need some air, we'll talk about this later," he said and he walked out of the squad room without another word.

\--

\-- The Following Days --

Everyone was beginning to pick up on Carisi's sudden change in mood. He went from being this happy go lucky cop, to this serious "no nonsense" cop, and now to this moody instigator. Lately he had been short with everyone, including his superior, and Amanda was afraid he might snap. 

It was a particular afternoon that worried Amanda. It was a rough case, one in which Barba was struggling to prosecute and Sonny offered a solution via his Fordham Law experience. Barba politely refused the supposed case with jurisprudence and Sonny exploded with Liv and Fin just standing awkwardly in the office, waiting for the issue to resolve itself.

"What do you mean you can't use it, Barba?"

"Its a Delaware case-"

"So what? It has the legal standing to-"

"Carisi, its not applicable."

Carisi's frown grew even more. Barba had never seen this man look so angry at anyone other than molestors and rapists.

"You're full of shit, ya know that?"

Barba raised his eyebrows as he leaned forward in his desk chair, "excuse me?"

Fin shared a look with Olivia and she cleared her throat.

"Carisi, you shouldn't-"

"No, Liv, I wanna hear what he has to say," Barba insisted, not faltering his eye contact with the tall detective.

Carisi chuckled humorlessly, but said nothing.

"Well, go on, detective, finish what you're saying," Barba continued, now standing across from Carisi with the desk between them.

"Its not my fault that you're too fuckin' afraid to take chances and do your damn job, counsellah." 

"Detective Carisi, that's enough-" Liv was cut off by Barba.

"I'm afraid to do my job? You think you could do it better than me? Huh, _detective_? You've graduated night school for all of what? Five minutes? _Please_."

Barba said back down dismissively and picked up his coffee as Carisi glared.

"I could do your job if I wanted to. I certainly wouldn't pay a witness to feed her heroin addiction and overdose just to win a case, though."

"Carisi, goddamnit I said that's enough!" Liv's voice showed no room for arguement but Carisi maintained Barba's stare. He lowered the cup from his lips and stared back at the detective in awe of the audacity.

"Take a walk! That's an order!" Liv said loudly, and Carisi glared a bit longer before he slowly walked away, only breaking eye contact once he was out the door.

Fin shook his head. "Man, what has gotten into him?"

"I don't know but that's not okay. Rafael, I'm so-"

"Its fine. I've got work to do," he said, shuffling some papers on his desk.

They took the hint and left the office.

\--

"Desk duty until further notice," Liv said as they strolled into the squad room. 

"Fine with me," Carisi mumbled as he slumped into his chair and threw his holster on his desk. Amanda let her curioisity get the best of her. She could sense the tension from a mile away.

"What happened? Did Barba use your case?"

Carisi shook his head with a huff and Fin sauntered over. 

"No he didn't, and this one bit his head off - and then some." He nudged Carisi's shoulder in a friendly manner, "what's goin' on with you man? Somethin' wrong?"

Carisi looked up at Fin, then to Amanda: "just under a lot of stress is all."

 

\--

\-- Present Day --

"Kim, you tell me right now. Is this your pregnancy test?" Eleanor held the stick up waiting for an answer.

Kim looked at the floor and offered up a quiet 'no.'

Eleanor's hands dropped to her hips and she stared at her.

"So," she said, a wide range of emotions flooding her, "so you mean to tell me that she's pregnant? She's pregnant with Dominick's baby? Is that right?" 

Kim wished she could be anywhere else right now. She was a lot of things. She was manic, she was manipulative, but she wasn't lying, she wasn't going to lie to this already broken woman. But before she could even answer, Eleanor was out the door, pregnancy test and box in hand.

 

\--

 

She doesn't even remember leaving. She doesn't remember getting in her car. She doesn't remember the 10 minute drive from Amanda's apartment to the Station, but she found herself storming up the steps to the squad room, angry, upset, hurt. She walked right past Sonny and Amanda's empty desk presuming they were out probably fucking each other in a squad car, ignored a "hi, Eleanor" from Fin and went straight to Liv's office, rapping her knuckles on her door quickly.

Liv didn't even get to finish telling her to come in before she opened the door and sat down in front of her.

"Hi. I need to ask you something."

Liv took her glasses off and gave her undivided attention.

"Did you know that one of your detectives is pregnant?"

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

***TRIGGER WARNING FOR END OF CHAPTER***

 

Olivia slowly set down her glasses and stood up calmly, "I'm sorry, what did you say?" Little did the two of them know that Sonny and Amanda had just returned to the squad room after showing a missing girl's photo around Manhattan. Eleanor blinked rapidly as she licked her lips. "I said, did you know that one of your detectives is pregnant? By another detective, no less."

Liv made her way around her desk and in front of Eleanor, "Eleanor, what is this about-" "Amanda is pregnant, Olivia."

Liv's mouth hung agape as her office door swung open, "Lieu, we got a lead on- Ellie? What are you doing here?" Sonny's confused face warped into concern as he shut the door behind him. Eleanor laughed humorlessly.

"I could ask you the same question, honey. How was your lunch date with Amanda? Did you take her shopping?" Sonny looked more confused than ever and Eleanor continued; "She's gonna need maternity clothes soon, right?"

His face dropped and Liv cleared her throat. "Carisi, maybe you and Eleanor should go home-" "I mean, I never got far enough in my pregnancies to go maternity shopping but hopefully the two of you have a healthy pregnancy." Sonny tried to approach her but she backed away. "Eleanor-" "How could you do that?"

Eleanor was by no means being quiet and people in the squad room were starting to stare. Amanda could see Eleanor and Sonny in between Liv's blinds and her stomach churned.

"Ellie-" "Don't you 'Ellie' me, I want an answer, you pig!" Liv rubbed her temples and Sonny fired back, "Don't call me that, doll, just listen-" "No! I will not fucking listen to whatever excuse you're about to throw my way, I want the truth and I want it now!"

Liv looked between the two of them, a distraught Eleanor and an impatient Sonny and decided that they need some privacy. "You guys can use my office to talk, but I mean talk, not shout, not get physical. I mean it." WIth that, she left the office and Sonny faced his upset wife once again. "We should talk about this at home."

"Why," Eleanor inquired, "because you don't want your slut to hear you?" Eleanor knew she didn't mean those hateful words, but right now, she didn't care about anyone's feelings. She was here, in Sonny's place of work, and she was pissed. He sighed heavily and he took his bottom lip between his teeth. "Eleanor, just calm down, okay?" "No," she shouted, raising her voice purposely so that she knew everyone on the outside would hear, "Tell Amanda I said congratulations on the pregnancy and that the three of you will make a lovely family." She didn't give Sonny a chance to respond as she stormed out of Liv's office. All eyes - including Amanda's - were on hers, and she maintained eye contact with her until she rounded the corner and took the elevator down.

If Amanda didn't feel morning sickness then, she certainly could feel her breakfast coming up now. What had she done? What had they done? Eleanor was her best friend. She looked at Sonny standing in the doorway of Liv's office, his neck a shade of red she had never seen before, and he shook his head slightly.

"Rollins, Carisi, my office. Now." Liv said, hastening to her office and drawing the blinds. Carisi stared at the floor as he made his way back in and Amanda braced herself.

"I don't know what happened, I don't know the extent of what you two did, but you need to take care of this. Carisi, what if a rape victim came in and watched that scene unfold? How are we supposed to get victims to trust us if they've got a soap opera playing out in the squad room?"

"I'm sorry, Lieu."

"Me too, Liv, I- we never meant for any of this to happen."

"That's very comforting, Amanda," Liv said sarcastically, "but it isn't me you should be apologizing to, is it?" Both Sonny and Amanda looked at the floor in shame. "Take the rest of the day to talk this out with your wife, Carisi. You too, Amanda. I don't want any more of this in my squad room, understood?" They nodded and headed for the door when Liv cleared her throat. "And Amanda?" Amanda turned and forced herself to make eye contact, "Yeah?" "Congratulations."

 

\-----------

 

Eleanor was shaking. She paced around the apartment, muttering to herself, asking herself if this was all just a really fucked up dream. Her question was answered when she received the text from her husband indicating he was coming home to talk and he was bringing Amanda, too.

_Of course he was bringing Amanda._

She was pissed at Sonny, no doubt, but the thought of Amanda sleeping with Sonny made her ill. She wonders if they've been together in their apartment. In their bed.

"I can't do this, I can't do this." She bit her lip and put her head between her knees. What a mess her life was. What she wanted more than anything was for her mom to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay, that everything happens for a reason, that Sonny does love her, that Amanda does care about her. Validation. She wanted validation. She wanted answers. She just didn't know if she could handle the answers that would soon present themselves in front of her.

The key in the locked turned and she trained her eyes to look at the floor when the two of them walked in. Her lip quivered but she refused to cry. "Eleanor..." Sonny said softly; he knew better than to try and touch her or embrace her. Instead, he approached her cautiously while Amanda stood awkwardly by the coatrack. "Please...hear us out, okay?" Her bloodshot eyes finally met scared blue ones, but she stayed quiet. "You are my wife, you are my love. I love you more than anything in this world." He took a chance tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She didn't explode, so Amanda took that as a good sign and slowly sat on the sofa across from Eleanor. "Then...then why would you...how could..." she couldn't even get the words out. His eyes welled up with tears. "We had a fight...it only happened once." Eleanor looked back at the ground. "Eleanor, please hear me when I say this...it was never our intention for this to happen." Amanda said quietly, fiddling with her fingers. "Yeah, it just...happened," Sonny added and Eleanor nodded, processing what was just said. "It just happened..." she repeated and Sonny and Amanda looked at each other with uncertainty. "How, pray tell, did it 'just happen'?"

Sonny stood up. "Me and you...we had just had another fight. You brought up the babies and I...I couldn't handle that." "I wanted to know why you had been treating me like I was the antichrist, Dominick. You would barely say two words to me-"

"Ellie-"

"we'd never talk, just argue, you wouldn't touch me, you-"

"Ellie c'mon-"

"No, Dominick! You don't get to invalidate my feelings! I asked you a simple question and you blew up in my face and stormed out!"

"I was upset!"

"And you don't think I was upset?! You don't think I was hurting inside? Damn it, Dominick! You weren't the only one affected by it, for Christ's sake! I had to carry those babies inside of me! I had-"

"I know, okay?! I know! I just wanted some space, to be away from you because I was so...I just... I went to Amanda's."

Eleanor stood up and glared in Sonny's face. "Why."

"Because, she is my partner-"

" _I_ am your partner, Dominick. We exchanged vows, or did your forget-"

"She is my partner at the precinct, Eleanor," he shouted, "she is a close friend of mine, a close friend of ours and I wanted to confide in her." Eleanor finally looked at Amanda with an empty stare, then back at Sonny as he continued. "I went there to watch TV, honest to God."

"Yeah, El, he was upset. I just wanted to be there for him, to comfort him-" Amanda tried but Eleanor interrupted.

"Comfort him? You can comfort someone without using your vagina, Amanda."

"Hey, that was uncalled for!" Sonny said but Eleanor wasn't having it.

"My ass, how long have you two been carrying on?"

"Eleanor it isn't like that at all!" Amanda said indignantly.

"Bull, tell me something, Amanda. How hard did he fuck you, on a scale of-"

"Eleanor, that's e-fucking-nough-"

"1-10? How many orgasms did you have?"

"El, for God's sake-"

"What about you Sonny," she said cynically, turning to her now angry husband, "who is better in bed? Me, or Amanda?"

"Shut up-"

"Probably Amanda, huh...that's because she can spread her legs higher and wider than anyone. Just ask ol' Nick Amaro!"

"Eleanor!" Amanda expected this kind of reaction, but still, her words hurt.

"What's the matter, Dom? Don't like this kind of talk?"

"You're being ridiculous, El. You need to stop and talk about this with us like an adult!" Sonny yelled.

"Fuck you!"

"El-"

"No, you fucked my best friend and expect me to be okay with it. I'm not okay with it, you goddamn asshole!" Sonny was fuming. He had never been this angry and confused at Eleanor before. He knew deep down that he deserves what she's saying, but still, he couldn't believe the things coming out of his wife's mouth.

"I hope you got tested, 'Manda gets around." That was it.

"You know what Eleanor," he said, getting up in her face. Amanda tried to stand between them to put some distance, but to no avail. "Say what you want about Amanda, but she was _your_ best friend."

"Tell me why her, Sonny. What does she have that I don't? She fucks every Tom, Dick and Harry-"

"At least she can give me a fucking family, which is more than you can do!"

"Carisi!" Amanda scolded and his face dropped. The words filled him with regret the moment they left his lips. Eleanor looked up at him in horror.

Her head shook as she backed away slowly, taking in his harsh words.

"Oh God, El...I didn't- I didn't mean that-"

"I...you..." Her chest was heavy. She turned to Amanda. "I'm sorry for what I said about you." Amanda nodded and looked down.

Eleanor turned back to Sonny, his eyes pleading. "I need to...I'm gonna go..."

"No please, baby, wait. I didn't mean any of that-"

"I've gotta go," she muttered to herself, eyes clouded with tears as she pulled a scarf around her neck and closed the front door behind her, leaving behind her purse and her phone.

Sonny stood there in shock of what had just happened. Never had he dreamed those cruel words would leave his mouth, not after everything that happened. Not after seeing Eleanor a mess after the babies passed, not after the burials, not after he found Eleanor in the bathroom holding a blade, ready to inflict pain upon herself in hopes she would feel something, anything.

Things were bad. No, they went from bad to worse. And he had no idea on how to make it better. How could he?

 


End file.
